If you’re reading this, then you’re reading my first blog for nearly three years to the day. Also, if you’re reading this then you also somehow have access to the alternate hell dimension that we’re now all living in.
I mean, just what the actual living sodding bastarding fuck happened?? What happened to our lives, our society, the whole mental state of the planet? Did Biff Tannen actually exist, take the sports almanac and skew us into this 1985-A reality? Somewhere along the line we collectively got struck by a metal pole to the head and began experimenting with douchebaggery, because we thought it would be a laugh.
Well it wasn’t. Obviously.
I should probably recap. The last blog I published was urging people to go out and vote in that last (but one) election using a rather shoddy metaphor involving Keith Lemon.
I know you already have questions, but it’ll have to wait…
Later it turned out that the Tories won. By quite a lot as it happened. How that happened is still something of a mystery, as their campaign was essentially a glass house full of stones built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Of course it didn’t help that the man opposing this was Ed Milliband, one determined individual who was taken down with a bacon sandwich and a massive slate of rock.
So once David Cameron swung his landslide back into the driving seat of the country, there was a small problem of the EU referendum, henceforth christened with the ugliest of all the newest words ever to be vomited unto the public consciousness: Brexit.
“If we leave, then it’ll mean a loss of workers, rights and free access to the rest of Europe!” said one side.
“IMMIGRANTS!!! EVERYWHERE! AAARRRGGGGGGHHH!” said another side, possibly on the side of a lying bus.
“Surely common sense will prevail and we won’t leave?” I thought at the time.
Yeah. Thank Nigel Farage for that one. Him and his lies pretty much swayed it in the leave corner and now we’re on our way out. Then David Cameron left, just after opening Pandora’s Box and tossing it in to the main water supply. Then, after using up her entire supply back-stabbing knives, Teresa May stumbled, bloodied and confused from the fight, to lead the Tories on to the world’s podium and hasn’t changed her look since. Milliband faded away like a digestive biscuit in pool of tea, leaving a gaping hole for the next young passionate leader to step forth and unite the masses.
But instead an old aged, jam-making, corduroy-jacket-with-a-beard burst onto the scene. He said nothing for a long time. Too long, some would say and through the EU debate he pretty much just tended his allotment. He then rose up and spoke for a bit. Then he went away again. Rumour has it you can see his face in the crumpled clothes in an Oxfam bin in Cardiff. If you didn't realise I was talking about Jeremy Corbyn.
Also, for some reason the good and the great of the world started to fall off this mortal coil. Bowie, Rickman, Lemmy et al passed away and for a while it was like best of us could see what was coming and said "FUCK THAT" and pulled an Obi Wan on all of us.
And just when you thought that it couldn't get worse, when it was all going downhill faster than a greased up tinfoil baking tray, America stepped up to the plate.
A half-sentient Wotsit with a name that’s a slang for farting came along and insulted every race, creed and culture that was possible to insult. Then he got into The White House and shat over everything, mumbling about a wall or some such.
All of the above made all the closet racists of the world go: “Hey, maybe I should tell people about my beliefs!” and with that the floor cracked open and all the demons rose unto the world and got themselves twitter accounts.
We’re in a word where Nazis are a thing again. Where people are getting gunned down in America and the NRA are having a go at the teenage survivors for not being shot. In this country the government, in between setting up a record for the most foodbanks needed in a week, are trying to ship off people who have lived here for 50 years, after the government (allegedly) destroyed their ID, because: reasons.
But there is hope.
Just as the famous orator Harvey Dent once said “It’s always darkest just before the dawn” and there are a few glimmers of light starting to shine. North and South Korea have announced a reunion tour which will hopefully tour pubs and clubs all around the world. Common sense is prevailing in the courts as former world renowned TV star turned world renowned rapist Bill Cosby is going to jail. The aforementioned kids in America (whoa) have seen the inaction of adults and said “FFS just stop shooting people #illsortitoutmyself” and gone and taken on middle age bullies and a 250 year old amended parchment. Also Amber Rudd got fired/resigned/forgot she had had a job to do. Or didn't. The jury is still out on that one.
So maybe we’re seeing common sense starting to wake up. Maybe it’s a coincidence that it’s come about at the same time that I’m blogging again, but just saying that the last time I did I told people to vote and they did, in droves. Just for the wrong side*. Maybe I have the power to change the world. Maybe it's all just a coincidence. We'll see.
*Again, sorry about that.