It's a bit of an odd start to a blog relating to the biggest football tournament in the world, but I think that the game is hideous non-sport business-led juggernaut that involves grossly overpaid missing-link specimens, red-nosed gum-chewing managers whose antics in any other profession would get them hurled into a disciplinary conduct hearing quicker than you could say "Fergie time," and who's fans have a reputation that Hitler would've thought was a 'bit obsessive'. But I think that David Mitchell can say it better than me.
However the world cup that has recently just finished with Germany being crowned the Bestest Kickers of Balls 4 EVA has had me oddly drawn in throughout the whole of the thirty-odd days it's been running (or in the case of some players not running but hurling themselves through the air in a fashion that would get them at least a bronze in the Olympic floor exercise gymnastics). I don't know why this is. Maybe it's the spectacle of the international event that's distracted me from the fact that hundreds of poverty stricken Brazilians have been forcibly removed from their homes to make way for the international money that's been flooding in. Possibly it's because a lots of the top teams have had their arses handed to them by the so-called minnows of the groups. Nevertheless, I have watched and enjoyed a lot of the tournament and learned a few things along the way. Things like this:
- Brazil have a Hulk, Fred and Bernard in their squad; which sounds like a Last of the Summer Wine/Avengers crossover.
- If you want to melt the brain of Jonathan Pearce, use goal line technology.
- The USA will latch on to any sport that they think they're good at for five minutes.
- Lots of football players have GREAT beards.
- Phil Neville commentating sounds like someone using an electric shaver.
- Mark Lawrenson would sound bored in any continent he was in.
- Costa Rica disappointingly don't use any connection to Jurassic Park in any aspect of their football, but nevertheless did really well.
- Luis Suarez is the name of a football player.
- Schweinsteiger is the most satisfying name to say ever.
- Luis Suarez plays for Uruguay.
- Every camera operator in Brazil appears to be a pervy man.
- Luis Suarez is both a terrible actor and a terrible vampire. He is also a complete dick who's (now) bitten three people.
- From what I've seen on twitter, nearly every man who watches football would turn for Thierry Henry.
- Less so for Gary Lineker (unless he puts his sexy glasses on).
- No one watches ITV unless they're forced to.
- Shaving foam can now be classed as multi-purpose.
- The geeks truly have inherited the earth after this was shown at half time in the final on the BBC.
- England took part. No-one noticed.
- Christiano Ronaldo has the most punchable face in the world. Except for Piers Morgan.
- I still hate Piers Morgan.
- Oh, and Germany won.
So onto Russia in four years when I will possibly give a shit about football again. But four years is a long time to hold your breath.
Until then, Adidas.