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Tuesday, 5 May 2015

The Road to Hell Yes.

Chris Rea, is a right miserable sounding sod, isn't he?
Recently in work the radio was playing “Road to Hell”. Singing it, he sounds like he’s had a heavy night and he’s been forced to record the vocals clutching his head from his bed, as opposed to sitting in the studio, thoughtfully contemplating the last journey to an everlasting tortuous afterlife.
I don’t know it this is true or not but he wrote this whilst on the way back home for Christmas, which inspired him to write “Driving home for Christmas”. So he was inspired to write two opposing songs on the same journey. I would’ve loved to have been in that car while his moods were bouncing back and fore like a space hopper in a washing machine.

“I can't wait to get get home for Christmas!”
“This traffic is awful...”
“I can't wait to see all those smiling faces!!”
“Look at all these other poor souls, desperately trying to get somewhere.”
“Wish I was on the beach...” (Sorry I've introduced a third Chris Rea song there...)

But anyway.

My point being is that “Road to Hell” was playing after another election based discussion on BBC Radio 2. It made me wonder if it was an ominous sign that we’re heading for another five years of a Tory-led government.

Now, when it comes to politics I will say that I’m not the best informed person on the planet; I tend to zone out and imagine what I'm watching as some part of an episode of The Thick of It. But this time around I’ve been listening more intently to what the leaders are saying. To be honest, they're saying the same old things that most politicians say: NHS this, immigration that, “I never sent those naked pictures, how dare you...”
However one thing I have noticed is that the public (when on Question Time and the leaders' debates) looked pissed off. I mean properly pissed off. To me, that makes the run-up to this election feel different. The public have had enough and want change. It seems we’re calling out the politicians as liars and rightfully accusing them of being unable to keep promises (Hi Mr Clegg).

Now, I’m not going to tell you which way I’m voting (although my attempts will inevitably fail), but I will tell you two parties who won’t be getting my vote. That'll be the Conservatives and UKIP. I was brought up in a house that generally favoured Labour as the party of choice. I imagine it’s what Mrs Thatcher did in the eighties to affect the Welsh that probably did it. I found out later that my parents were so disillusioned with the way she was running the country that they actually wrote her a letter to tell her exactly that. They got a response as well, which if memory serves, stated something along the lines of

“Shut it plebs, I’m the god damn Prime Minister! KNEEL BEFORE ME!! MWAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!”

(Well it was a long time ago..)
(It didn't say that. I don't think.)

But anyway, my point is that I won’t vote Tory because of several things. They have punished the poorer parts of the country, to an extent that there’s close to a million people using food banks. They told people with registered disabilities that it turns out they should be working after all. They’ve not denied plans to slash welfare, which will no doubt affect the people who need it the most. Before they got into power my eldest son received a child trust fund to help with his education when he turns 18. After they got into power, they stopped it and now my youngest son did not receive the same opportunity that my eldest did. Now I’m not saying that the small amount of money will make or break my son's future, but the message that it sends is unforgivable. By doing that, they are showing that they have little respect for the education of the generations of the future. It is simply not acceptable.

As for UKIP, I simply don't trust the Hypno-toad leader they call Farage. But, I can see why people are supporting him. It's not rocket science to see that if someone stand up in front of people who says things that a percentage of the population are thinking (and they do, you know they do. You've heard them. You probably know them, I know people who are in the UKIP mindset) then they are going to stand up too and give him the support that he needs. The problem (well there's a ton of problems but I've only got so much space) with Farage is that he's scaring people into voting for him by rattling off a bunch of statistics that sound plausible and he gives the impression that he can sort it all out over a few pints in a lock-in. To me, Farage is a small minded buffoon that is harbouring plans to destroy the NHS, mortally wound the BBC and generally be a total dick. I fear a day when this man has credible power.

                                                                           Farage (Allegedly)
                                                                                                         (Also, not my picture)

But that's why I'm voting. I'm voting because I want a change. Because it a privilege that has been handed to me by generations of people who have fought and died to secure a better, more hopeful future. If by some random chance there are some people reading this who don't vote or this is your first time with the opportunity, go out and make your mark on Thursday. I don't care who you vote for, just make your decision.

If you waste your chance, then you are letting people you probably don't like do what they want because you couldn't be arsed to to down the road and put a cross on a piece of paper. That literally all you have to do to change things. You've probably made more effort trying to find a remote control in your house.
In fact, think about it like that. Imagine Keith Lemon was about to come on the TV. You don't like Keith Lemon. Who the hell does? But the remote is some where and you don't know where. Now, you can make the tiniest bit of effort to find it and affect a change. Or you can do nothing and sit just there miserable, whilst Keith Lemon reigns down you for what seems like an eternity melting your brain with his godawful schtick.

Fuck, I hate Keith Lemon.

Anyway. It's not a hard decision is it? 


Sunday, 13 July 2014

Coisas que eu aprendi durante a Copa do Mundo. (Or things I learned in the World Cup)

I hate football.

It's a bit of an odd start to a blog relating to the biggest football tournament in the world, but I think that the game is hideous non-sport business-led juggernaut that involves grossly overpaid missing-link specimens, red-nosed gum-chewing managers whose antics in any other profession would get them hurled into a disciplinary conduct hearing quicker than you could say "Fergie time," and  who's fans have a reputation that Hitler would've thought was a 'bit obsessive'. But I think that David Mitchell can say it better than me.

However the world cup that has recently just finished with Germany being crowned the Bestest Kickers of Balls 4 EVA has had me oddly drawn in throughout the whole of the thirty-odd days it's been running (or in the case of some players not running but hurling themselves through the air in a fashion that would get them at least a bronze in the Olympic floor exercise gymnastics). I don't know why this is. Maybe it's the spectacle of the international event that's distracted me from the fact that hundreds of poverty stricken Brazilians have been forcibly removed from their homes to make way  for the international money that's been flooding in. Possibly it's because a lots of the top teams have had their arses handed to them by the so-called minnows of the groups. Nevertheless, I have watched and enjoyed a lot of the tournament and learned a few things along the way. Things like this:

  • Brazil have a Hulk, Fred and Bernard in their squad; which sounds like a Last of the Summer Wine/Avengers crossover. 
  • If you want to melt the brain of Jonathan Pearce, use goal line technology.
  • The USA will latch on to any sport that they think they're good at for five minutes. 
  • Lots of football players have GREAT beards. 
  • Phil Neville commentating sounds like someone using an electric shaver. 
  • Mark Lawrenson would sound bored in any continent he was in. 
  • Costa Rica disappointingly don't use any connection to Jurassic Park in any aspect of their football, but nevertheless did really well. 
  • Luis Suarez is the name of a football player. 
  • Schweinsteiger is the most satisfying name to say ever. 
  • Luis Suarez plays for Uruguay. 
  • Every camera operator in Brazil appears to be a pervy man. 
  • Luis Suarez is both a terrible actor and a terrible vampire. He is also a complete dick who's (now) bitten three people. 
  • From what I've seen on twitter, nearly every man who watches football would turn for Thierry Henry.
  • Less so for Gary Lineker (unless he puts his sexy glasses on).
  • No one watches ITV unless they're forced to. 
  • Shaving foam can now be classed as multi-purpose. 
  • The geeks truly have inherited the earth after this was shown at half time in the final on the BBC.
  • England took part. No-one noticed. 
  • Christiano Ronaldo has the most punchable face in the world. Except for Piers Morgan. 
  • I still hate Piers Morgan.
  • Oh, and Germany won. 
So That's what I've learned. I also learned that Wales only ever played in the finals in 1958 and were beaten by Brazil in the days when they weren't being thrashed by Germany. That's nice.

So onto Russia in four years when I will possibly give a shit about football again. But four years is a long time to hold your breath.

Until then, Adidas.