I stop blogging for 5 mins......

If you’re reading this, then you’re reading my first blog for nearly three years to the day. Also, if you’re reading this then you also somehow have access to the alternate hell dimension that we’re now all living in.

I mean, just what the actual living sodding bastarding fuck happened?? What happened to our lives, our society, the whole mental state of the planet? Did Biff Tannen actually exist, take the sports almanac and skew us into this 1985-A reality? Somewhere along the line we collectively got struck by a metal pole to the head and began experimenting with douchebaggery, because we thought it would be a laugh.

Well it wasn’t. Obviously.

I should probably recap. The last blog I published was urging people to go out and vote in that last (but one) election using a rather shoddy metaphor involving Keith Lemon.

I know you already have questions, but it’ll have to wait…

Later it turned out that the Tories won. By quite a lot as it happened. How that happened is still something of a mystery, as their campaign was essentially a glass house full of stones built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Of course it didn’t help that the man opposing this was Ed Milliband, one determined individual who was taken down with a bacon sandwich and a massive slate of rock.

So once David Cameron swung his landslide back into the driving seat of the country, there was a small problem of the EU referendum, henceforth christened with the ugliest of all the newest words ever to be vomited unto the public consciousness: Brexit.

 “If we leave, then it’ll mean a loss of workers, rights and free access to the rest of Europe!” said one side. 

“IMMIGRANTS!!! EVERYWHERE! AAARRRGGGGGGHHH!” said another side, possibly on the side of a lying bus.

 “Surely common sense will prevail and we won’t leave?” I thought at the time.

Yeah. Thank Nigel Farage for that one. Him and his lies pretty much swayed it in the leave corner and now we’re on our way out. Then David Cameron left, just after opening Pandora’s Box and tossing it in to the main water supply. Then, after using up her entire supply back-stabbing knives, Teresa May stumbled, bloodied and confused from the fight, to lead the Tories on to the world’s podium and hasn’t changed her look since. Milliband faded away like a digestive biscuit in pool of tea, leaving a gaping hole for the next young passionate leader to step forth and unite the masses. 

But instead an old aged, jam-making, corduroy-jacket-with-a-beard burst onto the scene. He said nothing for a long time. Too long, some would say and through the EU debate he pretty much just tended his allotment. He then rose up and spoke for a bit. Then he went away again. Rumour has it you can see his face in the crumpled clothes in an Oxfam bin in Cardiff. If you didn't realise I was talking about Jeremy Corbyn.

Also, for some reason the good and the great of the world started to fall off this mortal coil. Bowie, Rickman, Lemmy et al passed away and for a while it was like best of us could see what was coming and said "FUCK THAT" and pulled an Obi Wan on all of us. 

And just when you thought that it couldn't get worse, when it was all going downhill faster than a greased up tinfoil baking tray, America stepped up to the plate.

 A half-sentient Wotsit with a name that’s a slang for farting came along and insulted every race, creed and culture that was possible to insult. Then he got into The White House and shat over everything, mumbling about a wall or some such.

All of the above made all the closet racists of the world go: “Hey, maybe I should tell people about my beliefs!” and with that the floor cracked open and all the demons rose unto the world and got themselves twitter accounts. 

We’re in a word where Nazis are a thing again. Where people are getting gunned down in America and the NRA are having a go at the teenage survivors for not being shot. In this country the government, in between setting up a record for the most foodbanks needed in a week, are trying to ship off people who have lived here for 50 years, after the government (allegedly) destroyed their ID, because: reasons.

But there is hope.

Just as the famous orator Harvey Dent once said “It’s always darkest just before the dawn” and there are a few glimmers of light starting to shine. North and South Korea have announced a reunion tour which will hopefully tour pubs and clubs all around the world. Common sense is prevailing in the courts as former world renowned TV star turned world renowned rapist Bill Cosby is going to jail. The aforementioned kids in America (whoa) have seen the inaction of adults and said “FFS just stop shooting people #illsortitoutmyself” and gone and taken on middle age bullies and a 250 year old amended parchment. Also Amber Rudd got fired/resigned/forgot she had had a job to do. Or didn't. The jury is still out on that one. 

So maybe we’re seeing common sense starting to wake up. Maybe it’s a coincidence that it’s come about at the same time that I’m blogging again, but just saying that the last time I did I told people to vote and they did, in droves. Just for the wrong side*. Maybe I have the power to change the world. Maybe it's all just a coincidence. We'll see.

*Again, sorry about that.

The Road to Hell Yes.

Chris Rea, is a right miserable sounding sod, isn't he?

Recently in work the radio was playing “Road to Hell”. Singing it, he sounds like he’s had a heavy night and he’s been forced to record the vocals clutching his head from his bed, as opposed to sitting in the studio, thoughtfully contemplating the last journey to an everlasting tortuous afterlife.

I don’t know it this is true or not but he wrote this whilst on the way back home for Christmas, which inspired him to write “Driving home for Christmas”. So he was inspired to write two opposing songs on the same journey. I would’ve loved to have been in that car while his moods were bouncing back and fore like a space hopper in a washing machine.

“I can't wait to get get home for Christmas!”

“This traffic is awful...”

“I can't wait to see all those smiling faces!!”

“Look at all these other poor souls, desperately trying to get somewhere.”

“Wish I was on the beach...” (Sorry I've introduced a third Chris Rea song there...)

But anyway.

My point being is that “Road to Hell” was playing after another election based discussion on BBC Radio 2. It made me wonder if it was an ominous sign that we’re heading for another five years of a Tory-led government.

Now, when it comes to politics I will say that I’m not the best informed person on the planet; I tend to zone out and imagine what I'm watching as some part of an episode of The Thick of It. But this time around I’ve been listening more intently to what the leaders are saying. To be honest, they're saying the same old things that most politicians say: NHS this, immigration that, “I never sent those naked pictures, how dare you...”

However one thing I have noticed is that the public (when on Question Time and the leaders' debates) looked pissed off. I mean properly pissed off. To me, that makes the run-up to this election feel different. The public have had enough and want change. It seems we’re calling out the politicians as liars and rightfully accusing them of being unable to keep promises (Hi Mr Clegg).

Now, I’m not going to tell you which way I’m voting (although my attempts will inevitably fail), but I will tell you two parties who won’t be getting my vote. That'll be the Conservatives and UKIP. I was brought up in a house that generally favoured Labour as the party of choice. I imagine it’s what Mrs Thatcher did in the eighties to affect the Welsh that probably did it. I found out later that my parents were so disillusioned with the way she was running the country that they actually wrote her a letter to tell her exactly that. They got a response as well, which if memory serves, stated something along the lines of

“Shut it plebs, I’m the god damn Prime Minister! KNEEL BEFORE ME!! MWAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!”

(Well it was a long time ago..)

(It didn't say that. I don't think.)

But anyway, my point is that I won’t vote Tory because of several things. They have punished the poorer parts of the country, to an extent that there’s close to a million people using food banks. They told people with registered disabilities that it turns out they should be working after all. They’ve not denied plans to slash welfare, which will no doubt affect the people who need it the most. Before they got into power my eldest son received a child trust fund to help with his education when he turns 18. After they got into power, they stopped it and now my youngest son did not receive the same opportunity that my eldest did. Now I’m not saying that the small amount of money will make or break my son's future, but the message that it sends is unforgivable. By doing that, they are showing that they have little respect for the education of the generations of the future. It is simply not acceptable.

As for UKIP, I simply don't trust the Hypno-toad leader they call Farage. But, I can see why people are supporting him. It's not rocket science to see that if someone stand up in front of people who says things that a percentage of the population are thinking (and they do, you know they do. You've heard them. You probably know them, I know people who are in the UKIP mindset) then they are going to stand up too and give him the support that he needs. The problem (well there's a ton of problems but I've only got so much space) with Farage is that he's scaring people into voting for him by rattling off a bunch of statistics that sound plausible and he gives the impression that he can sort it all out over a few pints in a lock-in. To me, Farage is a small minded buffoon that is harbouring plans to destroy the NHS, mortally wound the BBC and generally be a total dick. I fear a day when this man has credible power.

                                                                           Farage (Allegedly)

                                                                                                         (Also, not my picture)

But that's why I'm voting. I'm voting because I want a change. Because it a privilege that has been handed to me by generations of people who have fought and died to secure a better, more hopeful future. If by some random chance there are some people reading this who don't vote or this is your first time with the opportunity, go out and make your mark on Thursday. I don't care who you vote for, just make your decision.

If you waste your chance, then you are letting people you probably don't like do what they want because you couldn't be arsed to to down the road and put a cross on a piece of paper. That literally all you have to do to change things. You've probably made more effort trying to find a remote control in your house.

In fact, think about it like that. Imagine Keith Lemon was about to come on the TV. You don't like Keith Lemon. Who the hell does? But the remote is some where and you don't know where. Now, you can make the tiniest bit of effort to find it and affect a change. Or you can do nothing and sit just there miserable, whilst Keith Lemon reigns down you for what seems like an eternity melting your brain with his godawful schtick.

Fuck, I hate Keith Lemon.

Anyway. It's not a hard decision is it? 

Vote.