Werner Herzog is waiting for me to watch him eat his shoe

I freakin love technology.

If I won the lottery I'd have a room of my own in a big house that i'd convert to look like the bridge of the Enterprise. It would probably just be a lot a iPhones glued to tables (but stylishly so) and one massive iPad for a view screen. Thinking about it that's not the best idea because you'd need a stepladder to reach to the top of it and a small army of redshirts to swipe the screen across (and one of them would somehow get injured). Tell you one thing though, my bridge would have a clearly marked toilet in there.

(Seriously not once did you once see anyone taking a restroom break in Star Trek. Or a toilet. Wouldn't it be great to just once, see someone in there with a copy of Klingon Wives just as the ship gets hit by a photon torpedo, and they get flung clear off the seat?)

One of my current favourite bits of tech is the V+ box (otherwise known as Sky+ for cool people). It's a Godsend when changing the boys nappy, as he can watch the programmes he likes instead of taking a rather opposing attitude to clean underwear. But I've recently been feeling like it's starting to get the better of me.

We record stuff on there all the time. All the things we don't normally have time to watch and want to save it for a different day (i.e when Masterchef isn't on) or things that look interesting but clash with our more popular viewing (i.e. Masterchef) We also record for the boy as aforementioned decoy tactics. So at the moment we have a number of films and programmes, punctuated with episodes of Special Agent Oso & Imagination Movers. I haven't watched any of the things I've meant to.

It's not because I haven't got time, in the evening if we look and there's nothing on I don't turn to the stored intellectual goodness, I'm watching the Simpsons (which I'm also recording just in case). And there are things on there that demand to be watched by title alone.

There was a programme called "Werner Herzog eats his shoe". The title alone demands viewing. This is a man  who was baptised in a bowl of crazy and I will refer to bullet points for some of the highlights:

• He made people drag a massive boat over a mountain for one of his films.
• He threatened to shoot his leading actor in front of the crew.
• He was actually shot during an interview.

Why haven't I watched this yet? Why hasn't everyone watched this yet?

 He eats a fucking shoe!

I'm sure I'll get round to it this weekend. Unless Masterchef is on....

Daddy Fool

Port Talbot is Batshit crazy.

Hardly a revelation I know, yet it's true. You walk through the centre of town on any given day and you will see some fantastic examples of the unhinged massive in all their fist-shaking, world-cursing glory.

 For instance there's someone who I saw with what was either a massive MP3 player or a home made PKE meter. He had a Sporticus backpack. He was at least 60 years old (ear hair gives it away).
I also saw a man shout at his sandwich and throw it on the floor. He then walked away composed himself and on his way back he lost it again. He stamped on it so hard a piece of tomato flew out and hit a nearby bin and slowly slid down the side of it like the local drunk after a White Lightning binge.

You see, my worry is that (and I think it's starting to happen) when you're exposed to this insanity it'll start to rub off. You can think something that seems perfectly normal and when you say it out loud you get a look that's half bemusement and half "keep him happy while I call a specialist". But what some people don't realise it that being a parent to a one year old will speed the process up. I'm sure that other parent's can back me up on this.

With children you will do all sorts of things and make all sorts of noises to keep them entertained. You'll try anything to get that one or two nuggets of fried gold that'll amuse them and you build up a repertoire that will stop them figuring out the conundrum that is the door handle.

With my Son I have several of these nuggets. One such example it running back and fore holding him, shouting "CHARGE!". For him it's the equivalent of Morecambe and Wises' Breakfast sketch. Another such one is pretending to eat his chest or hand and uttering the immortal phrase "nom-nom-nom".

Like I say, any other situation and they're after you with the butterfly nets.
But it works, it makes him laugh and makes him happy which is all we want to give our children; happiness and love. The Disney channel helps as well.

So after a day when the boy has gone to bed me and my wife can sit in the lovely silence (not including the buzz of the baby monitor), we can reflect on the wonderful son we have and look forward to the arrival of the new baby at the end of July. We had such a day and I took my wife's hand to hold and gave it a gentle kiss.

Except I didn't.

I meant to, but instead I uttered the immortal words "nom-nom-nom".

The insanity continues...